I love the idea of celebrating becoming wiser instead of focusing on age. I had asked for a low-key birthday celebration this year. I needed time to just think about not only the past year, but the past three years and that loss of time.
I purposely took time on my birthday, which was July 3rd, to be in complete solitude for a few hours. I put the phone away. I was in the garden at my church, which is my go-to place when I need to think and feel at peace. It was that moment when I realized how much wiser I’ve become. Cancer changed my perspective and whole attitude on life. My little corner of the universe has been filled with more joy and laughter in the past three years, way more than I originally thought.
That’s not say I no longer have moments where the grief of not being able to have a child of my own or the pain and struggle of still being single hurts. My heart can feel very heavy at times. The physical pain I still endure can become too much. The unknown and fear of recurrence still plagues me.
Yet, I feel that if I died tomorrow, I would actually die happy. I wouldn’t have said that 5 or 10 years ago. I was in such a negative head space then. I look back on those years and just filled with sorrow because I wasn’t enjoying life. I was so focused on what I didn’t have or didn’t do, that I stopped living.
Now, I am another year older and almost three years since my original diagnosis, I feel more alive than I ever have before. I’m finally taking those risks that I was too scared to do back in the day. I’m dreaming BIG and no longer just existing.
I don’t want to allow my fears to keep me stagnant. I feel change is coming in the next year or so.
I’m excited by all the possibilities.
I’m excited to take risks.
I’m excited that I’m finally ignoring naysayers.
I must continue to remind myself that I have the strength and motivation to continue doing what I need to do in order to feed my soul and not only dream, but truly live my many dreams.
Until next time,