Uncategorized

Can’t accept this “new normal” because getting cancer is not normal

I realized I’m in the throes of a depressive state of mind yesterday. The anger and frustration of going through cancer and the physical changes still weighs heavily on me. I thought after two years since my last chemo and radiation, I would be better. My final surgery was last year. The grief and anger is still so palpable. I notice people in and outside cancerland rarely ask if I’m doing OK because I come across as very strong, humorous and put together. In actuality, I am broken and hurting. It’s like no one gets it.

In this instance, being told to be positive (B+) trust in God and let it go is not helping. I’ve already left a voicemail for my psychiatrist. I see that as a sign of strength because my current coping skills are no longer working.

My nature is typically positive and always there for others. I post smiling pictures on social media. I may look strong, put together and fun, but inside I am fragile and wish people would see that.

My “sister”/bestie asked me point blank if I was depressed yesterday. I didn’t even realize I had fallen into a depression until she asked me that question. That’s when I realized the trigger of the depression.

It has been one year since I “resigned” from that supposed dream job where I was making insane money, had a lot of responsibility, and felt financially free for the first time ever. This time last year, I could barely remember how to get home. I couldn’t process any new information. It had been five months since the hysterectomy/bilateral salpingo oophorectomy and had been on the Arimidex. That post cancer medication nearly killed me.

The fact I’m single with no siblings and a mother who is also battling a blood cancer, makes things quite difficult. I’ve created my non-blood family but now see many don’t ask how I’m really doing or gloss over it because I “look” great. I love my friends (local and worldwide), but I still don’t feel heard.

I post a lot about my chemo induced curly hair. I notice whether I post on my personal Facebook/Instagram page or in cancer groups, I tend to the get the same responses below:

“You look cute and healthy.”

“The curls suit you.”

“Be happy you have hair.”

When I see those comments, it’s like my heart gets stabbed over and over again. I’ve been asking myself why I continue to get so upset by those comments when I know my friends are just trying to be supportive. Another warrior in a cancer group nailed it.

The bulk of people I meet now have only ever seen me as bald, growing the hair back and now the curls. They have never seen what I looked like years before the cancer entered my body. They have never seen me before my hormones got out of whack and the weight gain got out of control. They have never seen me with the straight bob that I miss so much. They have never seen all the ballerina buns, French braids, French twists, and flips and so many other ways I styled my hair.

When I meet people now, they have no idea these curls weren’t part of my life. They think this is just how I look. I still do not SEE me!!!! I still see a complete stranger. Yesterday, the curls looked nice, but I still see them as a prop to whatever clothes and makeup I’m wearing. I still don’t connect with the fact this is my hair now. So many other cancer warriors have told me the curls aren’t permanent because theirs wasn’t. Well, mine aren’t going away.

Pics for blog post - long hair_7.15.18

I don’t want to accept this “new normal” because getting cancer is not normal. Being medically induced into menopause is not normal. There is nothing normal about this situation and the way I keep feeling.

This anger, depression and grief come in waves. Will there ever be a time where all those feelings go away? Will the shock and trauma ever leave my mind? Will I ever truly feel heard?

 

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie

 

Advertisements
Standard

8 thoughts on “Can’t accept this “new normal” because getting cancer is not normal

  1. Maria spano says:

    Being a cancer survivor myself I truly feel for you and I understand and have gone through all the side effects and emotions that you are feeling. Cancer sucks. Cypramil anti depressants saved my life. I truly reached rock bottom before I got some help. I am able to cope better than before with what ever comes my way. I hope you will find the help you need.

    Like

    • Thank you so much, fellow warrior. I started my blog nine months ago because I couldn’t verbalize my emotions but could write it out. I found my voice again. I’ve battled depression for years before cancer. This trauma and PTSD was not something I was prepared for, let alone all the grieving. HUGS to YOU

      Like

  2. Kathy Reed says:

    I’m wiping my tears. I had surgery again in May. It’s been 2 yrs. I remember my friend who had breast cancer welcome to the new normal. I didn’t get it at first. I have chemo induced neuropathy to & can’t work. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  3. Charlisa Dixon says:

    The joy of the Lord is my strength! I can’t allow my feelings of today take me a state of depression! Depression is easy to do but Joy is a fight battle too just like staying cancer free! Hourly not daily mediation saved me! It’s hard to accept that you may not be the same as before. Only suvivors understand your post!

    Like

  4. My mama is in remission, 3rd time Cancer, why her? I cry give me some of hers so she can rest. It’s not fair she’s the rock of our family, I hate to see her so thin, there are times when I want to scream WHY HER GOD!!! They said God only gives you what you can handle but Lord that’s to much. 5 more tough chemos for her. This tears me apart.😰

    Like

    • My mom is battling her 2nd cancer. It was strange being mother and daughter cancer patients. I wish we could all get the answer to WHY this happens to us? Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Reach out anytime if you need a shoulder to lean on. I’ve been both a caregiver and patient. HUGS

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.