Time is the one thing I will never get back. As my birthday approaches in 9 days, I am reminded of how time passes so quickly and how time can pass with fragments of memory. I struggle with that last part. I still think of my age as 38 because I had only been 39 a month before I felt the mass and my life stepped onboard the cancer train.
I clearly remember everything in my life up until my 39th birthday. How has three years gone by with just fragments of memory? I know my brain had to repress many memories because my cancer experience was so traumatic. There were so many doctor appointments pre chemo, during chemo, post chemo, before surgery, post-surgery, before radiation, post radiation, pre hysterectomy/oophorectomy and post hysterectomy/oophorectomy. None of that included the times I had to get IVs of nutrients before going into work because I couldn’t eat or the blood transfusion.
I’ve never had to process such severe physical, mental and emotional trauma. I dealt with constant bullying growing up both in the south and college up north, so I know what mental and emotional anguish is like. My outlet was ballet and theatre. I remember all of my performances from that very first audition in 7th grade thru senior year of college. My cancer path has caused an anger, pain and grief unlike anything I have ever experienced.
I often wonder if I hadn’t gotten cancer, how my life would have been. Would I be married or in a serious relationship now? Would I have made a move out of state or overseas? How long would my hair be? Would I have gotten a brother or sister for my sweet cat Nathan? Would I have gotten control over my insomnia and anxiety?
When I think of time now, I feel like I walk around with an invisible expiration date on my forehead, but only God knows the actual date.
I live differently now. I continue to walk with purpose. I’m incapable of dealing with bullshit in regards to relationships; hence, why I am single and cut certain toxic vampires out of my life. It’s quite difficult to accept ALL the things, like time, that I will never, ever get back. The main thing I have realized is that it truly takes time to process all that has happened on my cancer path.
Cancer has stolen precious time from me and many other warriors in various ways. It’s not fair! Of course, life has never been fair either…
Until next time,