It never fails to amaze but also anger me when women question my infertility. On Mother’s Day, I posted below.
I would think no explanation would be needed with this post. I’m not questioning if I am infertile or not. I’m not asking about IVF. I’m clearly stating I AM infertile thanks to cancer. Period. Yet, I inevitably get responses of “miracles happen every day” or “I was infertile once and then gave birth” or “Just believe, and it will happen.”
The insensitivity in those comments make me burn. No one has a right to question without knowing the particulars of the situation. Then when I comment on it, I get the common response of “I was just trying to give you hope.”
The world of infertility is a delicate, sensitive, and emotional topic for men and women. I wish people would stop trying to “fix” the situation, especially when they don’t personally know the person.
I shouldn’t have to post that I had to be medically induced into menopause at 40 because I was intolerant of all post-treatment medications for pre-menopausal women.
I shouldn’t have to post that I had a septate uterus which is a deformity of the uterus, that happens during fetal development before birth. A membrane called the septum divides the inner portion of uterus, at its middle. It has been associated with an increase in the risk of miscarriage, premature delivery, and malpresentation. It’s associated with poorest reproductive outcomes.
I shouldn’t have to post that that aside from discovering I had a septate uterus, my surgical report from the hysterectomy and salpingo oophorectomy also stated I had endometriosis.
Though I know the comments weren’t intentionally made to be hurtful, they were still super insensitive and felt like a kick in the gut. I simply wanted to post for those women who truly are infertile that I know how difficult Mother’s Day can be. If you ever see a woman or a man post about infertility, please do not make those kinds of comments because you do not know the backstory.
Unless the Lord thinks I should have an Immaculate Conception, there is no hoping for a miracle. If someone is asking a question about infertility in their post, that’s the only time it’s appropriate to make those comments. When someone is like me is being vulnerable and stating their truth, don’t kick them below the belt like that. Ever.
Until next time,
9 thoughts on “Stop Questioning My Infertility”
Wrapping you in hugs. Thank you for this poignant request for what you, and many other women need.
Thank you so much for reading it, Marilee. I debated about writing this for a week. It simply had to be said.
It’s especially infuriating when others say things that directly contradict what you have just stated as your truth – like they know better than you do. Give me a break. Sounds like some of those responses to your Tweet did indeed invalidate your pain and loss, even if offered with good intentions. Minimizing and marginalizing someone else’s experience is unhelpful and often quite hurtful. As you said, no one really knows another person’s backstory, so perhaps we should all do a bit more thinking before speaking (or Tweeting), especially when it comes to platitudes and advice giving.
Another important read. Thank you.
Exactly! I truly debated sharing this piece or not for a week. It simply had to be said. Too important to keep quiet.
I am torn. For the most part, people are trying to comfort you and insure how to do it. There are so few compassionate people left in this world. Being shamed from doing so will continue to erode those from our communities. I am curious of what you really expected by the post? I am on the cancer train as well and know there are many things that people say that dismiss our fears, hurts and all of crazy emotions we deal with daily. I just hope you don’t continue to chastise people for caring. Gentle education and eye opening posts may be a much better approach. If someone had replied to your post as “sucks to be you. ” that would have been heartbreaking. The nice posts made you mad because they dismissed your feelings. I wish you less pain on your journey.
I’m simply stating my opinion. You didn’t have to read my post. I was encouraging people to really read a post before commenting, especially when it’s such a sensitive topic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Missy your response is incredibly callous and condescending. As an infertile woman, I would MUCH rather have a friend say “sucks to be you” than try to minimize my pain by thinking they know what’s best and ignoring science. Google “what not to say to your infertile friend” and you’ll quickly see pages of advice. Try that as what you are doing right now is shaming her.
I’m with you. 6 years of infertility here comprised of 6 failed rounds of donor egg ivf, miscarriage, and as of today, 4th failed attempt at adoption (international, private domestic X2, and foster care) and we are done. I’m broken in a thousand places yet there are still fuckwits out there telling me how to feel and what to do, still thinking that while they’ve never been even in the same shoe store as me that they can act as if they’ve been in my boots. Fuck em.