I was dealing with depression and anxiety long before cancer. Now I feel the most fragile I’ve ever felt. Just when I think I have a handle on things, everything explodes. I’ve written about this in the past. What happens when the strong need to weep? They weep alone.
I’ve struggled finding people to talk to and let my guard down, really and truly let my guard down. What tends to happen is they listen for a few minutes and then inevitably tell me the following:
You’re so strong.
You’ve got this.
Be positive.
This goes on for a few minutes until the shift happens where I become their therapist and shoulder their pain and their fears. They assume I’ll be just fine and can handle anything.
When others can’t handle hearing your fears or darkness because your “normal” personality is sunny and zany, that’s pressure to always appear okay. That’s my current situation. Heck, it’s been my ongoing situation.
The chronic pain makes it harder to keep my emotions in-check. I no longer have the energy to keep up the appearance of being okay. I don’t get a break from what my cancer treatments and multiple surgeries have done to me. I wake up hurting every morning and go to bed hurting every night.
I’ve been very down on myself about my weight and being chronically single. I grow even more frustrated with being told the following:
Weight isn’t everything.
Dating or relationships are overrated.
You’re your own worst critic.
Not understanding my body and loneliness just adds to my depression.
Sure, I’m resilient. I don’t know where that comes from, but I somehow always get back up after being slammed to the ground over and over and over again. I’ve wanted to give up, but my nature just won’t let me.
I don’t want to be alone.
It’s not fair.
It’s not easy.
Wading through the darkness while leaping from one friend to another, sharing spurts of what’s hurting the soul but knowing there’s no one shoulder big enough to hold all your darkness is my daily struggle.
This is what strong people do.
Life On The Cancer Train 
Thank you for posting this- straight from your heart. I’m going through it too and I’m not that strong. I cry now and then and it’s painful. Cancer sucks! We have been to hell and back and then some. I’m sending gentle hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Evie! We’ve definitely been to hell and back. This whole experience can be so isolating. You’re stronger than you think you are, but when I hear that…I always think to myself, just how strong do I have to always be? Gentle hugs
LikeLike
So sorry to hear this, Megsie. Holding you in my thoughts. Cancer is terrible enough without the loneliness and fear. Hugs to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi hun. Thank you so much for the hugs. I’m such a naturally social person, so the fact I’m lonely is difficult. I know many people locally, but I have to keep the strong and bubbly mask on. Gentle hugs
LikeLike
Wow. The truth is the courage it took to write this is simply remarkable. Your willingness to share your vulnerability is the truth that many of us which we could voice. You are Not alone. Lay your burdens down and find peace if only for a moment.
LikeLike
If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’ve had those things said to me and, in my opinion, it’s both ignorant and patronising. 💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ami! Right?! Some people don’t get why it makes me angry when those words are said to me. I can’t even share this with my mother. That hurts too. I talk to her every day, but can’t truly TALK to her, ya know? Do email me at meganclairec@gmail.com so we can connect. I’m struggling these days. The fibromyalgia pain is making it difficult to focus.
LikeLike
I know exactly what you mean, I’m the same with my Mum, I don’t feel I can truly open up to her. Thank you for your email, I will send you an email shortly 🙂💚
LikeLike
You keep sharing your truth. There are those of us who can handle it, even if we’re long distance. Love and light to you, my strong friend. 😘❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, my dear Abigail. I wish all the time that all the warriors I have a special connection with could live in the same neighborhood. Imagine all the fun we would have and be in bed by 9pm. Ha! Seriously though, thank you. Gentle hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In bed by 9 pm. Lol. That’s right!! Love and light to you, dear friend.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing. People think once chemo is done you are ok. My neuropathy has been bad lately. It’s always something waiting to get appt with heart Dr. Prayers
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Kathy. Neuropathy is horrible. Not enough attention is paid to the damaging effects of it. Aside from pain, I have to use my cane so I don’t fall. I literally don’t feel my feet thanks to the blasted Taxol. I’ve had chemo, radiation and multiple surgeries and a storm of side effects. This cancer path is never over for some. Gentle hugs to you.
LikeLike
Hello Warrior Megsie,
I too thank you for your post. It’s validation for us that are suffering from Cancer and the pain that goes along with it, that someone knows how we feel. I wish I could take the pain away for all Cancer patients!
You are so right about everyone expecting you to always be brave and being there for them. My children tell me all the time; mom you’re so strong, look at how far you’ve come. You can handle it.
They mean well, but don’t really understand the level of pain a cancer patient suffers.
I’m regards to the body weight and being single. My weight has gone up and down since my diagnosis and I,he always been self-conscious about my weight. I get lonely too, I have often thought about the men that I’ve turned down since my Cancer diagnosis. I always tell myself that I’ve got Too many problems right now.
I was diagnoised with Breast Cancer(IDC & TNBC) Stage 2 in August of 2013 at the age of 47.
I was told by my oncologist that it’s best to cut off both breast as this type of cancer usually spreads to the other breast in a few years. So it’s better to do a double Mastectomy. I was terrified to say the least. The thought of losing my 38 DD’s was unimaginable!
As if that wasn’t enough. About 2 months later, I went to the ER with chest pain & shortness of breath. Shortly afterwards, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 NSC Metastatic Lung Cancer.
As far as the Breast Cancer goes, Thanks to my brother I got a 2nd opinion and was able to save both breast. I had a Lumpectomy.
I have a long list of diagnoses. I’m in so much pain right now because my (now former) pain doctor thinks my pain meds were causing me pain. I don’t buy it, as I am in excruciating pain everyday now and suffering from withdrawal. I’ve been crying everyday now for about 3 weeks.
I’m even more depressed than I was before. Just drained mentally and physically. I avoid spending time with family & friends. My sleep is sporadic.
But, my faith in God is still strong and it helps me to deal with this drastic change in my life.
Until next time, Sending you a big hug!
Please know that I’m praying for you.
Beverly
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Beverly. Oh, how we need more research to understand why early stagers are getting stage IV. I know I’m at risk for it. I hate that you’re stage IV. I totally relate to your pain levels. The pain can become too big for us. None of the medication has worked for me; barely any relief. I just can’t see living to old age in this kind of daily pain. And sleep? What is that? 😦 Do you suffer from painsomnia as well? I toss and turn every night.
I’m glad you were able to keep your breasts. I had a lumpectomy, too. I would get slammed by other survivors and people for “just getting a lumpectomy.” I get furious when I hear that. Not everyone has to remove their breasts. It’s a super personal decision based on many factors. It’s still traumatic and painful. I look like a railroad track. I have zero feeling on the left side of my breast.
My faith in God has never wained. Have I been angry? YES. I just have to believe He has not just a plan but a purpose for me. That thought is what keeps me from truly falling over the edge. Cancer brings so much unwanted change. Know you’re not alone. Reach out anytime. My email is meganclairec@gmail.com
Gentle hugs,
Megsie
LikeLike