Is dating off the table?

This question is more complex than it was before cancer.  I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve heard of others meeting “the one” during treatment and after. I’m boggled by that.

Who has the energy?

Who has the sex drive?

Who has the funds?

I’ve been a body I don’t recognize since my 35th birthday, which is when I believe the cancer started growing. That’s when my thyroid got out of whack and major weight gain occurred. Even though my energy was somewhat lacking, I was still dating back then.

I’ve had my heart shattered once and deeply hurt once. I had begun to date myself and take time for personal growth when the cancer beast reared its ugly head. Dating was not even a remote thought once the cyclone of appointments swept me up.

I’ve been 43 years old for a month and starting to feel lonely. My life has been so busy trying to heal, battling long-term side effects from chemo, surgeries and radiation, serious depression and anxiety, chronic pain, medical leave, then more surgery and now I’ve had time to really process all that has happened since the cancer call on 9/14/15.

Things won’t magically become all right once I meet the ‘right’ guy.

I can’t expect to find happiness through someone.

I can’t keep waiting for someone to take care of me.

I don’t think like the woman I once was either. I’m jaded. I don’t even watch romance movies anymore. I used to be a sucker for those. I don’t read trashy romance books anymore either.

It’s like a light switch was turned off once I was medically induced into menopause at 40. Losing so many body parts all at once did something to me. I feel hollow. The only thing that makes me still feel like a woman are my tears.

I hear all the time “the right man will love you at your worst.” Well, I think many of you will agree that men are very visual creatures. Sure, I have a pretty face, but not a pretty body.

My body is scarred.

My body is numb in certain areas.

My body radiates and burns with pain.

My body is out of shape and struggling.

My body is utterly fatigued.

How can I date in such a low physical state? It was hard facing rejection when I was stick thin. I sure as hell can’t handle rejection looking and feeling like this.

I also realized that I can’t date a regular guy. I’ve nearly died. I’ve been through something life shattering and life altering. How do I make small talk about trauma? I don’t think lightly anymore.

Does that mean I need to meet someone also has/had cancer in order to relate? Hmm…

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie

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12 thoughts on “Is dating off the table?

  1. Very thought-provoking — and moving — as always. I wish I could offer some useful advice. What I can say is that even in the short time I have known you it is abundantly clear what a wonderful person you are. I like to think that good people’s “goodness” is eventually rewarded. Not always as we expect or as we might hope but hopefully somehow. In the interim, while not a substitute, please take some comfort in knowing there are many of us that care deeply for you and are here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re such a sweetheart!!! Good thing I’m not wearing mascara at this moment. This beautiful and genuine comment has brought me to tears. All the BEST guys are either married, gay, too old, too young or dead. Thank you for reminding me there are people who deeply care about me. I wish all the time all of us could live in the same neighborhood. Imagine the kind of parties and deep conversations we would have! Hugs, my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are an eloquent spokeswoman for those of us who often feel doomed to being alone… I hope we are both wrong. But as we will all tell you Warrior, you are loved by people you don’t even know. Peace sister.

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  3. Thank you for writing about this! I asked myself all of these questions and avoided dating for 5 years while going through treatment and recovery. While I missed dating, I knew that I needed to focus all my energy on caring for myself both mentally and physically until I could dedicate time to someone else. My self-esteem was also at an all-time low and continues to suffer from all the changes my body has endured. I know plenty of people who have dated through cancer but that wasn’t for me. I was too emotionally fragile and all my energy needed to go into myself just to get through the day. Once my mental health was in a better place, I started to consider reentering the dating world. Like you, I learned quickly that I can no longer date a regular man. But honestly, regular is boring! I also initially thought that I needed to date someone with health issues. And I did. My first dating experience after cancer was with a man in kidney failure. I was by his side and cared for him through his kidney transplant last year. It was a beautiful experience and helped me heal parts of me I didn’t know needed healing. It didn’t work out, but I learned that I didn’t need someone with the same issues as myself. It was often triggering and would bring me back to various aspects of my illness. Moving forward, I am open to dating someone with health issues, but the key ingredient I look for is empathy and perspective. I also try to date older because with age comes experience! Unfortunately, we have experienced too much at our age, but I find I relate more to older people anyway. Lastly, I’ve tried to let go of expecting my partner to fully “get it” when it comes to my experience. But what I look for is for someone who at least has the desire to understand it and be a form of support in any way possible. I believe I have found that and I wish that for you, my friend. Know that you have so much to offer and are deserving of love ❤

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    1. I’m so happy that you have found that love and support. Many of my problems, aside from health, is race. Neither black or white men know how to take me. I’m often called a “sell out.” I “talk too white” for some people. The black men I happen to be attracted to are already with white women. I have a LOT of self hatred for my skin color that I often don’t share. I wish every day I looked like my mom, who is biracial. So add that on top of health and I don’t feel like there IS a man who will ever get me. Maybe in another life…

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