The morning started out so well. I was up early, doing some writing and had my outfit for mass ironed. As I began my morning ritual of washing my face, taking a shower and washing my hair, I had to first brush out my hair. These tight curly coils drive me nuts!
After my lovely brushed out Afro, I get in the shower to wash and deep condition it. I had closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, I uttered a silent scream. I looked down at my hands and the tub and saw clumps of curls had fallen out. It wasn’t just little hairs. It was CLUMPS. It was so much that I got nauseous and had a panic attack. I just knew that when I got out of the shower that I would be bald.
Damn that PTSD that doctors never believe I possess.
The last time that much hair had fallen out was on 10/25/15, when ALL of my hair fell out in the shower. I can’t ever forget that horrific and beyond traumatic moment. Even though I had shaved my head, it was still so many tiny hairs that all fell out. I had walked into the shower with hair and came out as bald as a newborn.
I panicked thinking the same thing would happen this morning. I kept my eyes closed as I wrapped a towel around my head. I took a deep breath as I removed the towel. I still have a headful of hair and still curly.
I thought the shaking and flashbacks would stop by now. Here it is evening time and the memory is still as clear and fresh as it was this morning and almost four years ago.
So why did so much fall out this morning? Where did these clumps come from?
Is this related to the medically induced menopause?
Is it related to the higher dose of Cymbalta?
Is the constant financial stress of increasing medical bills and cost of living?
Is it from all the physical pain of this nerve in my left back and buttocks?
Is it the constant physical full body pain from the Fibromyalgia?
Is it from the sleep deprivation last week as I tried to wean myself off the Ativan with zero success?
Is it the stress of knowing I need one more surgery to remove the fat necrosis in my left lumpectomy area?
Is it the grief of being infertile and single?
Is it the grief of the soon-to-be anniversary of my nana’s passing?
Is it the grief of being in a constant state of fatigue that I can’t pursue my true passions more intensely?
I guess you could say I have a lot on my plate. Then again, everything in my world is always compounded with so much all at once. I wish I could have even just a week where everything was going right. Massages used to be my thing. What do I do now that I can’t stand being touched?
All of these thoughts lead back to breast cancer. My life on the cancer train continues to move off track and so painful. I hope a smooth path is in the horizon because this constant state of stress, pain, grief, fatigue and anger is wearing me out.
Until next time,