Feeding my soul

I grew up as an only child of divorced parents. No relationship with my father. He later remarried and had a daughter, whose initials are the exact same as mine. I was definitely replaced. I didn’t find all that out until I was 22 years old. My mother still has not remarried which saddens me. I had a lot of father figures as a child and teen but none as a full fledge adult. Then cancer stormed into my world.

I’ve always enjoyed my own company. I learned that early in life as an only child. I always longed for siblings and a dad. I know that’s why I always connected with my friends fathers, especially in high school (Becky and Jennifer).

Last weekend, my total bestie, little sister and spirit twin Brandy (who I always call Brandel-Leah) came to visit with my “niece” and “nephew.” I had sent the kids a video a few months ago asking if I could be their aunt since I cannot have kids of my own and don’t have any blood nieces and nephews. I’m beyond touched at how they immediately accepted me with warm and loving hearts. My spirit twin and I tried to keep it a secret but it was revealed last Friday that they were coming that next day. My sweet nephew called and said, “Megan-Claire, are we coming to see you tomorrow?” They both always say my full name Megan-Claire, which is so cute in a child’s voice.

When they arrived last Saturday, my heart was so full. Hugs and laughter galore! I had gifts for all of them, including a bag of pistachios for their dog Duke. I was so worried they wouldn’t like their gifts even though I had sent pictures to Brandel-Leah asking if what I bought was okay. I was super nervous. In the end, they went nuts over them!

I felt like I was truly living in a moment I never thought would come. I have never spent a whole weekend with kids as an adult until then.  I don’t know who had more fun playing the card game I bought, them or me! I was beyond touched when my niece asked if she would wear my pink fascinator and carry one of my cross body purses. So sweet! She got nervous because people were complimenting us. I was impressed that after I gave her some words of encouragement that she kept it on until we got back to my place.

My sweet nephew even lost a tooth later that night, which was hilarious. It was another first for me. He was so relaxed and was laying his head on his mom’s lap and his legs across mine. It felt so natural. I also took tons of video of them showing me karate moves and tons of pictures.

Pics for my blog - 5.11.18

Though I still grieve at never having a child who would favor me, inherit some of my talent or personality, I truly felt the meaning of family last weekend. The genuine acceptance and love from all of them has put a permanent band aid across my heart.

Though I fight the fear of recurrence daily and physical pain and discomfort, my heart continues to grow fuller in ways I never thought possible. If I do get a recurrence, I now have many reasons to fight the war once again. I am creating my digital and living legacy. I never would’ve said this a year ago. I had almost given up last year. 2018 continues to be a glorious year where I continue to discover that I am truly loved and taking risks to be vulnerable and ask for what I need.

Thank you from the bottom of my now very full heart, Brandel-Leah, Ally and Ryan for truly feeding my soul. #FabAunt is here to stay!!!

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie




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