On the outside, I am the epitome of positivity, zaniness and humor. On the inside, this anger and pure rage is festering. This is starting to bubble over into all aspects of my life. I have already dealt with many setbacks in this thing called life. Breast cancer is the one blow I cannot seem to withstand. I don’t know how to cope with it, accept it or live with it.
Now that I am in the survivorship stage (one year and two months), I honestly don’t know how to reinvent myself because I am not the “old” Megsie. I literally don’t recognize my reflection in the mirror. My career is in the toilet. I can’t handle stress the way I used to either. I blame this cancer for these feelings. If it wasn’t for the trauma this cancer forced on my body, I would not feel so alone, frustrated, scared and financially suffocating.
I’m so angry.
The ever present fatigue lurks around every corner of my being. The chemo induced neuropathy in my hands and feet is a constant reminder that I have no control over my body. I have four blue bruises on my outer left thigh and two on my outer right thigh, at the moment. Should I be worried? Why are they blue? Why has my neck aged so rapidly? It’s just filled with lines that look like layered necklaces around my throat. Why do I still have the lower back pain only on the left side ever since my medically induced hysterectomy and salpingo bilateral oophorectomy in February of this year? I didn’t have that pain before that surgery. Now it’s a constant. Nothing I take or put on it will make it go away.
I’m ever so angry.
The thought of dating and being intimate with someone make me nauseous. I have no libido. I don’t want to be seen or touched. What would I even talk about on a first date? I have a profile on Match.com. I honestly don’t know why I actually paid for a six month subscription. I must’ve been delirious that day. Here I am lonely but don’t have it in me put myself out there again. What do I have to offer to a relationship these days?
I’m f*cking angry.
My whole world revolves around the fear of recurrence. I’m scared to eat. My first thought is, “that food will give me cancer again.” I can’t just live off of organic fruit and veggies. Then again, the cancer took away my taste buds. I don’t even taste food half the time. I have the memory of what it tastes like. Are my taste buds dead forever, too? Don’t even get me started on health insurance either. Enough said.
I’m truly f*cking angry.
All I want for Christmas is a professional job so I can pay all my bills and have health insurance. Cancer has taken away my financial independence. There are so many financial resources for active cancer patients but none for post treatment cancer patients. How is that right or fair? I’ve worked hard for the things that I have. I shouldn’t have to be in default in order to receive help. How am I supposed to keep my stress level down when ALL I do is stress?!
This life on the cancer train is unbearable right now. When will I stop feeling so angry?