Tag #COVID-19

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The Problem with Words

Warrior Megsie 5 Comments

I decided to repost this piece that was originally published last year in August. I’ve been struggling as I continue to watch the Chauvin murder trial. It reminded me again about the problem with words as the defense attorney of that murderer tried to assassinate the character of George Floyd. Is there no bottom with people like that?

I think about the way I’ve been talked down to by nurses and doctors. How invalidating and condescending they can be until I open my mouth and set them straight. Why is everything dictated by the color of my skin? Why can’t I just been seen as a quirky human and talked to with respect?

Once again, my creative mind isn’t functioning well at this moment. My professional life is on FIRE in an amazing way. I have taken on the role as Partnership Director with GRYT Health and asked to be a contributing blogger for WebMD starting next month. I should be over the moon, right? Right?

Unfortunately, my personal life of existing in this body and in this skin color leaves me utterly depleted and unable to turn to the creative outlets that have brought comfort in the past. So, I might repost some of my previously written blogs over the next few weeks because I’m still going through some things. Plus, most of what I’ve previously written is what I am struggling with now. After all, it’s okay to NOT be okay.

Original Post

As I was seeing beautiful black and white pictures of women for the #challengeaccepted posts on Instagram, I decided to use it as an opportunity to post the ugly things I’ve been told over the years. I know it shocked some people because my picture was cute but the words below it were tough to see. I felt it was important to express how words can be so damaging to a person’s psyche.

I kept it short on Instagram but decided to expand on it to see how far I’ve come in my own healing and thinking. No one should be told these things. I don’t know why I had to be the person on the receiving end of such hate and ignorance. It’s unfair. It’s unjust. It’s painful. It’s a problem with words.

I’ve been called a nigger.
I’ve been called ugly.
I’ve been called fat by men.
I’ve been called stupid by a teacher.
I’ve been called stupid by an employer.

I’ve been told I will fail.
I’ve been told I don’t matter.
I’ve been told I don’t exist.
I’ve been told I don’t belong.
I’ve been told I’m a sellout.

I’ve been called too emotional.
I’ve been called weak.
I’ve been called an Oreo.
I’ve been called unfeeling.
I’ve been called a valley girl.

I’ve been told I act too white.
I’ve been told I dress too white.
I’ve been told I’m not loveable.
I’ve been told I speak so well.
I’ve been told I’m not black enough.

My psyche has been systematically torn to pieces for 20+ years by the ignorance and racism from whites and blacks that started in my hometown of Macon, GA and has followed me through the years as a young adult and in the professional world. I reread my journal this morning from senior year of high school in 1995 and still have a visceral reaction to my words.

The pain of not being accepted.

The pain of being bullied.

The pain of desperately wanting to leave the south.

I never felt I belonged anywhere until the college years, especially junior and senior years at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, NY. That’s why I hold onto my college memories so fiercely because I found a group of friends so eclectic, smart, clever, and so accepting that I felt safe to be authentically me at that time. I’m glad I have scrapbooks and multiple photo albums that captured the fun times and great opportunities from that magical time in my life.

I honestly thought once I became a working adult that my work ethic and merit would get me ahead. As more years went by, the more oppressed and defeated I became. I would be told I’m an “expert,” yet companies could never find the money to give me a proper raise. They would be shocked when I turned in my resignation and then have the nerve to ask, “Is there anything we can do to keep you from leaving?”

I had been carrying all that negativity from racism, oppression, and feelings of inferiority on my back for so many years that I lost complete faith in my abilities and talent. I used to think it was a cruel joke that I received multiple awards in high school and college. I was constantly told I would be going places because of my talent. It turned out none of it counted in the “real world.”

My cancer experience redefined me. It helped to rediscover my voice that had been silenced for so long that I thought it was lost forever. I’ll never consider cancer a gift, but it was an opportunity to rediscover the things that once brought me true joy. Yet, I was still playing it too safe. I wasn’t fully taking back what control I had left over my life. I was remaining comfortable in the uncomfortable; still too paralyzed to make any serious moves.

It took a pandemic to force me to pause and pivot not just my career but also my mindset. Rereading that journal from my 17-18-year-old self this morning reminded me how much I’ve carried the hurt from people’s words that ultimately turned me into a shell of my former myself.

I’ve had a resurgence of my passions and confidence while rekindling old friendships and cultivating new and profound friendships. My mindset changed once I fully began to believe in myself and know my worth thanks to a lot of help from my friends. I’m blessed to have so many people continue to lift me up even when I’ve doubted myself all these years.

So, here’s what I repeat to myself now that I’ve shed that cloak of negativity that was suffocating me.

I AM intelligent.
I AM talented.
I AM worthy.
I AM inspirational.
I AM feminine.

I AM a writer.
I AM a performer.
I AM a Nut-Meg.
I AM a talker.
I AM a powerhouse.

I AM loving.
I AM sensitive.
I AM giving.
I AM kind.
I AM enough.

My newfound armor continues to grow thicker each day, so insulting or hateful words or rude comments no longer sting. They smoothly roll off my back.

I am different and always will be. And you know what? That is OKAY.

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie

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A Special Moment Within an Unfortunate Situation

Warrior Megsie 1 Comment

It’s not every day one can say they were featured in a major newspaper like the New York Times, but I can. I should be elated and on cloud 500, but instead, I am a mixed bag of emotions. The same day the article was published was also my official last day with the company.

I know I’m one of the many, many millions suddenly out of work and without health insurance due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I was very careful in my language with the reporter. What I couldn’t say is how hurt I am about the way the layoff was handled. It was so cold and dismissive. Considering I worked for a staffing company, there was no offer to help with my resume or job search. It’s their dismissive tone that I can’t seem to get past. It was like those two years I worked there under super stressful circumstances with constant changes in leadership and visions meant nothing. My professional reputation within that company was stellar.

The New York Times – 4/3/20 (link to digital article is on my ‘About’ page)

What you don’t know about the picture above is it was taken in the courtyard of where I used to work. Since the parks were closed, and the New York Times photographer needed to keep six feet away from me for social distancing, I suggested the courtyard because it’s the one thing that always brought me peace during stressful times. I was able in my own way say goodbye, which is what the company tried to strip me and others of doing.

So, as thrilling as it is to be featured in a significant article and be part of COVID-19 economic history, I’m deeply depressed because there was no way to prepare for such another tough financial hit. I grow so tired of being told to “stay positive” and “you’ll get another job in no time.” These are dire times for those who are professionals and those who are hourly workers because it’s ALL industries that have taken a hit to their bottom line and not just a select few. That’s why it’s so scary and uncertain. How does one stand out from the crowd when not many companies are hiring right now or in a hiring freeze?

I’ve been talking and emailing with recruiters all week. They tell me to keep applying for positions, but they aren’t receiving many job openings. I do have one promising lead, so I pray it turns into an interview and ultimately a job offer. I’ve been networking like crazy as well.

Of course, the other issue is health insurance. To just have it ripped away with only a week to try and get medications refilled and scramble to get my breast cancer scans rescheduled before my last day with the company caused pure panic. It truly was a miracle that I was able to get both the bilateral breast MRI and diagnostic mammogram rescheduled for the same day. I had walked in there last Wednesday with only the MRI officially scheduled. The schedulers said they couldn’t fit my diagnostic mammogram just the day before. So, when I expressed my anxiety and disappointment with the MRI nurse, she told me to sit tight and would see what she could do. I was there five hours but didn’t care.

The company I now used to work for didn’t think about those whose lives depend on health insurance. I had to cancel my second epidural spinal steroid injection because they couldn’t fit me last week. That’s why I mentioned I am a breast cancer survivor and how the added stress of losing my insurance was affecting me to the reporter as well. I’m currently lacking motivation to apply for the marketplace insurance, even though I have a dear friend who has generously offered to help with the application.

Though I have much to celebrate – officially 4 years NED and the article – I’m more depressed now than angry this week. My sleep cycle is completely off. I’ve had a few stress headaches and more intense fibromyalgia flare ups. My back pain makes sitting, sleeping and walking feel impossible.

I was really hoping 2020 would be a better year. This is not a relaxing time. I still have hope for better days ahead. So, I am extending grace with myself and feeling everything I need to in order to move past it and get motivated again.

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie

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COVID-19, Laid Off and Mental Health…OH My!

Warrior Megsie 3 Comments

As many of you saw on Thursday, I was laid off from my job as a marketing project manager. I honestly did not see it coming and was completely blindsided. I found out later that a total of 300 people were laid off from the company due to the COVID-19 pandemic and their bottom line. As a survivor of the 2008 recession and breast cancer survivor, I know this will be an even tougher road due to so much uncertainty about our health.

I’m a realist and see the massive layoff numbers, especially now that I am part of that number. It’s not about being capable or skilled at this time. Many of us who are laid off are more than capable and skilled. That’s the issue. The competition will be much like the recession days; extremely fierce. Plus, many companies are implementing hiring freezes except for healthcare, technology and food industries.

I’ve been a mixed bag of emotions since Thursday – furious, scared, disbelief, anxious. I initially got more upset being told to be strong. I know people meant it in a loving and kind way and weren’t sure what to say. I’m sure I came across unintentionally a little snappy when responding to texts and messages. You see, I already AM strong. How much stronger do I need to be to survive in this world? I never set out to be a modern-day Hercules.

I’ve spent this entire weekend doing major self-care so I wouldn’t complete snap or fall into a serious depression. What’s hardest for me to deal with is feeling completely disrespected by my former manager and bigger boss. So, here’s what I’ve done to cope and change my mindset so I can focus on next steps come Monday morning.

  1. I needed to feel in control of my space, so I did OCD cleaning from top to bottom. I pushed through my chronic pain which has been sky high because I needed that control.
  2. I purged of all the logo’d work stuff (water bottles, bags, backpacks, notepads) which really made me feel good.
  3. I must’ve vacuumed five different times. Each time I shouted all the things I wanted to say out loud to my former manager and bigger boss but never could to their faces.
  4. As thoughts of them would enter my mind, I would quickly replace it with a positive thought of the amazing people I got to meet and hangout with for the past two years.
  5. I thought about how one of the regional vice presidents called me after I emailed him personally thank him for being such a great light and inspiration in the office. His beautiful words to me brought me to tears. He’s just a good man and a father figure in the office.
  6. I thought about all of YOU who reached out to me with posts, texts, emails, DMs and calls and thought how blessed I am to have people who care, even those who’ve never met me in-person.
  7. I thought about how I managed to push through chemo brain and be on point almost every day and make big decisions and lead conference calls and meetings.
  8. I read tons of inspirational quotes, prayed, read some self-help books on my bookshelf about transition and struggles.
  9. I’ve watched my favorite action movies and TV shows with a fierce female lead that I love so much. Those who know me well, know that Alias is my go-to series every single time. I just connect with Jennifer Garner’s character Sydney on so many levels. I even have an autographed script of the pilot, autographed picture of Jennifer Garner and the Alias books. Yeah, I’ve been obsessed from day one.
  10. I’ve spent time remembering the many, many trials I’ve already survived and still standing. I’m reminding myself that even when I want to give up, I must push forward because I have purpose in this life. Though I don’t know how my purpose will fully flourish, I’m trusting God’s plan.

All the above has helped me get to a decent place mentally and emotionally. I haven’t been able to verbally talk to many people this weekend. I knew I needed to work on my mindset so I wouldn’t go ballistic or cry uncontrollably. So again, I apologize for unintentionally sounding snappy in my texts or DMs.

Being laid off during this COVID-19 pandemic is downright shitty. I allowed myself to get angry and then release it. It’s so ironic that I literally am a Cancer (birthday July 3rd), so I crawled into my shell this weekend so I could emerge with a plan of action and focus come Monday. Again, I’m already a strong and resilient person and know I’ll get through this. It’s just a tough pill to swallow because I was hoping for a somewhat stable 2020 financially, professionally and physically since last year was a complete bust.

Here are the top quotes that have brought comfort to me. I may have some printed to look at often…can you guess which one (s)?

So like Dorothy’s “lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” line, I cautiously step into Monday thinking of COVID-19, networking, revising my current resume, trying to get my breast cancer scans rescheduled for this week before I lose my company health insurance, waiting for my official work end date so I can file for unemployment, reviewing Medicaid and ACA and bills.  

On the bright side, I have time to write and submit to my huge list of publications that I have been aching to do. Most of all, I know that I am not alone in this struggle and calm enough to fully reach out to friends to lean on. I love y’all!

Until next time,

Warrior Megsie