It has been a littler over three weeks since I had the nerve ablation procedure in my lower back. The pain isn’t completely gone but there is tremendous back pain relief. Now the back pain has moved backstage and my fibromyalgia has taken center stage again. This continues to be unmanaged because my body is intolerant of the current medications to help treat fibromyalgia. The radiating burning through my body, especially in my arms and upper back, is terribly painful. The fatigue and headaches at least 3x a week is tough to muddle through as the pace of life doesn’t slow down.
It’s painful and discouraging living in a post-cancer body that continues to hit barrier after barrier due to medication changes, multiple surgeries, surgical menopause, and chronic pain. This week’s Megsie’s Musings is about being fat shamed and spiraling mentally.
My cutie therapist is trying to keep me from completely unraveling. I’ve had both white and Black people compare me to Stacey Abrams and Lizzo. Now, these women are BRILLIANT and TALENTED. That’s not what these people said. There comparison was a direct hit to my weight.
It was fat shaming.
It was hurtful.
It pushed me down a rabbit hole of negative thinking about my post-cancer body.
Take a listen to my musings and remember to be kind and stop fat shaming people.
This video is longer than usual because I’m trying to cram in five years of what it has been like living with intolerable back pain and all the insanity that came with it — the insurance hoops and having my pain dismissed over and over and over again truly crushed my spirit.
So, to celebrate my victory, I’m wearing this fabulously HUGE fascinator that is a gift from a friend. Watch my video for the cliff note version of my back pain saga.
I’m pleased to say my pain level is at a steady three, which is a bloody miracle! I haven’t had pain level this low in 5 years! I got extremely emotional last weekend and earlier this week just thinking about ALL I have endured because sooo many specialists dismissed my pain and fat-shamed me. The amount of advocacy I had to do to get to this moment is unacceptable for anyone!
All I want to do is sleep. My body is trying to catch up on five years of horrific sleep. Painsomnia is real and squashes quality of life. I honestly don’t know how I’ve been able to maintain everything professionally and personally with severe sleep deprivation. This nightmare has definitely aged me internally and externally.
Aside from getting the nerve ablation, one of the best things to happen is sleeping deep enough to dream and wake up without crying. People have told me that I don’t look like I’m in pain. Well, that’s why it’s called an invisible illness. Now that I finally have real back pain relief that will hopefully last for at least a year, I can now focus on my fibromyalgia and neuropathy pain.
Living with chronic pain can turn one into a shell of themselves. Plus, I’m single and have to do many things alone, which adds to my pain and stress. I honestly don’t know where this natural resilience stems from, but it somehow keeps me pushing forward. The smile on my face today is genuine and feels AH-MAZING!
I often wonder how many people received the cancer call vs who was called into the doctor’s office. I’ll never forget the cancer call 7 years ago on September 14th. Back then, I was sitting in my cubicle at work when my whole world changed with that one call.
Though I do plan on writing more again at some point, I’m enjoying making videos for now. This edition of Megsie’s Musings is about the complex feelings that come with “surviving” cancer. While at times there is gratitude, I also feel rage, frustration, depression, anxiety, and fear. There is no one way to feel your emotions.