I’ve always detested the saying, “turn lemons into lemonade.” I don’t like lemonade. A friend from the high school days came up with turning lemons into a lemon martini because that fits me better. I wholeheartedly agree.
I know it has been a few months since I last posted something original. Some good things have happened during this hiatus. Heck, I’ll even say some great things have happened! Unfortunately, some truly sad and upsetting things have happened too.
Is it possible to get through a month without trauma, sadness, rage, disappointment and frustration? I’m continuously thrown into the depths of despair because I expect too much of people and get hurt when they don’t show up the way I thought they would. The more I talk openly about race, the more I see the true colors of so-called friends who I never dreamed would have a racist bone in their body. I have officially lost the ability to trust and be vulnerable with people. When I say people, I am referring to white people because I only have four black true friends.
Of course, I know not every white friend will let me down, but I can literally feel my cloak of armor wrapping me tighter to fend off the possibility of hurtful words. To this day, I am most surprised by the racism within the cancer community. I naively thought the cancer space would be free from that kind of bullshit but sadly it’s not.
The more I keep trying to be my authentic self, the more alone and isolated I feel. I often feel like the only single person on this planet.
I no longer feel like a warrior.
I no longer feel strong.
I no longer feel hopeful.
This world continues to be so cruel and oppressive. I’m desperately trying to let go of past and current hurts and let offensive and racist words roll off my protective cloak. The harsh truth is there will never be relief while in this skin because racism will never end. It seeps into everything.
Until next time,
5 thoughts on “Lemon Martini With A Twist Of Letting Go”
Ah, my dear — weeping! I am Caucasian (aka White), Sad that such distinctions differentiate people.
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I’ve never liked that expression about turning lemons into lemonade either, though I do love lemonade!
I’m sorry you feel so let down by so many people. And it truly saddens me that you feel like the more you keep trying to be your authentic self, the more alone and isolated you feel. I love and appreciate the authentic you. Pretty sure many others do as well.
I hate hearing there is racism in the cancer community too, but of course, racism is everywhere. Sad reality that you’re all too aware of.
I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to help, but I fear I do not. But know this. I’m out here. I care. I’m listening.
Keep writing and keep being you. xo
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Hi Nancy! I’m touched by your message. Any personal writing is difficult right now. I think some of it is also because I overextended myself with extra projects and have all these deadlines to meet outside of my new full time job. I know I did it on purpose so I wouldn’t have to think about things. We all do what we must to cope. Again, I appreciate your kind and sincere words. xo