I have been very off this week. At first, I thought I was just in a mood. Then I realized yesterday that I was falling into another cycle of depression.
I’ve battled depression off and on since I was in high school. One would think I would know when I’m in the midst of one. Here were my symptoms:
- My place was a mess, especially my writing space.
- I had trouble eating and very nauseous.
- My sleep was off all week.
- Feeling like I could cry but didn’t.
The dark veil has lifted today, and I see what brought on the depressive episode – Mother’s Day weekend.
Though I had sweet friends and family send me Mother’s Day cards from my cat, Natey (Nathan Edgar), I still felt emotional, depressed and grief stricken. I took my mother out for brunch. Seeing all of those mother’s with babies, young children, teens and adult children was too much.
My mother and I have been going through her storage area organizing, throwing away things and saving things. We finally got to the last thing to go through which was my great, great grandmother’s trunk. My mother had saved everything from the two baby blankets that were in my crib, to cards I had made for her as a child, to ballet costumes, pictures of me as a baby and little girl that I had never seen, my Christening gown, First Communion veil and many letters and cards from my own grandmother, my nana.
It struck me again how I have no one to pass down my Christening gown or First Communion veil to. There is no way I would donate something so personal. The Catholic friends I do have already have kids who have been through each of those ceremonies/sacraments. What do I do with all the adorable pictures of me as a baby and little girl? I even found an old book report from 1988, sheet music from when I played the violin, old playbills and so much more.
The one thing that did make me smile and continues to make me smile when I’m not focused on the “things” is seeing my personality shine through my pictures. I thought I was shy when I was little. I keep looking at these pictures below in particular and see that I still have that same facial expression and make those same poses. They make me laugh. I guess I’ve always been a tad extra from birth. For some reason, I find that extremely comforting.
I was bullied a lot in elementary and high school and college for being “different.” I used to doubt myself so much back then. Something must be wrong with me if so many people bully me when I was just trying to be myself.
Cancer has taken so much from me.
It has taken many body parts,
taken the ability to have children,
taken my career at the time,
taken away my hair and made it totally different,
taken away friends.
The one thing my cancer path cannot and will never take away from me is MY essence, MY core. Looking at those pictures of me as a little girl really showed me that I truly am who I am. It’s sad that only now to do I see that I’m OK and nothing was ever wrong with my personality, or with the way I talked and dressed and things interested in and loved to do.
I truly AM inherently Megan.
The items of clothing, books and pictures that I hold so near and dear to my heart still knock me into waves of grief. Some days I’m able to float, other days I can barely keep my head above the water.
I will no longer come down so hard on myself for enjoying these memories. I will no longer focus on what to do with them. I will work on staying in the moment and just enjoying the flood of beautiful memories and take comfort and solace in them.
You know what? I am who I AM, and I think that’s pretty darn amazing and darling.
Until next time,